The extremley late show that doesn't exist
by crazy2696
Summary: What happens when the FMA characters on invited on a talk show? Multi-chapters!
1. Riza

**A/N: My new multi-chapter story! I really want to write a longish story, and I haven't written in a while, so this will kind of be…ok-ish. My friend Mangarific came up with this idea, so I dedicate this story to you, Mangarific!! What happens when the Fullmetal cast gets invited on a non-existing talk show? Comedy happens, that's what. Enjoy!! (P.S, Sandy is me. My real name. In case you're wondering who this Sandy in the story is. She's the host.) (P.S.S- NO OFFENSE TO ROYED OR HAVOCAI OR ANYONE WHO LIKED THE MOVIE!!!!!)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, you think it's funny! Well I don't!!!**

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"Welcome to the Very late late show that you didn't realize existed! With your host, Sandy!! Tonight I have a variety of guest from the ever popular Manga, really suckish anime, and a better second anime, Fullmetal Alchemist! We'll discuss many things from the crappy anime, and even shittier movie, and those pairings that you've come to love and hate! Now my first guest is a lady with 99.9 percent accurate aiming skills, and who can make anyone shit themselves with one glance, 1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye!", Sandy, the host said. And the over-excited audience cheered.

Riza Hawkeye walked onto the incredibly cheesy backdrop of a painted city, and sat in the hard armchair.

"So Riza, or would you prefer Lieutenant?" Sandy laughed, at a pathetic attempt to joke, that for some reason the crowd laughed at.

"Lieutenant please." Riza replied annoyed. She didn't even want to be here, except Roy and the rest of the team wanted to. So here she was on a 3rd rate talk show, when she could be doing many other things.

"Right, so Lieutenant. How do you feel about your life on Fullmetal Alchemist? Just what do you do, and do you like it?" Sandy questioned.

"Well, do you not read the manga or even watch the horrible anime? I'm sure it's quite clear, but I guess I'll tell you. I sit behind a desk, do paperwork, keep my commanding officer in line, and occasionally shoot someone's brains out." Riza answered, she couldn't believe how stupid this woman was. Really, if you knew about Fullmetal Alchemist, and went through the trouble of inviting them here, wouldn't you at least know about the characters?

"Interesting. Now, about this commanding office of yours, The Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang. The hottest thing that ever walked the face of the earth, tell us about him." Sandy said, leaning forward. What was with this lady?

"Well, he's a lazy ass and enjoys perverted things. He's probably screwed every women in Amestris but can also be really emo. He has a temper and overall is quite big-headed. Anymore?" Riza said flatly, really she was kind of exaggerating. Roy wasn't that conceited, lazy, perverted, and hopefully he hadn't screwed all the women in Amestris, but he could be pretty emo… She was just having fun.

"Everyone is just dying to know, are you and the colonel together?"

The was a pause, one where you could of heard a needle fall on the floor, or in this case Ed bitching about something backstage. Riza started to say, 'None of your business', but decided it wouldn't hurt anything, and definitely was scared of those rabid Royai fans. "Well…yes. Yes we are together." The audience was going wild, with Royai fans screaming, "I knew it! I knew it!! HAHAHA!!" and Royed/Havocai fans going into denial, but thankfully, I mean unfortunately, they all died of what they deemed a shock.

Riza stared at the dying idiots who thought she was in love with Havoc. Did they think she was going to declare her love for Havoc? Did all those times she was with Roy, helping him, taking care of him, not count? What stupid person would believe she was in love with Havoc??

"Oho! I knew it!! Though this means, he's not single…dammit." Sandy sighed.

"There's no way in hell lady." Riza muttered.

"What?"

"Uh…I said…go to hell Havocai fans?…" Riza responded.

"I know right! Anyways, tell us about your feelings on Royed and Havocai." Sandy resumed her questioning.

"Oh. My. God. Let me say this, Roy is not a fucking pedophile who enjoys **CENSORED** Ed, and they **CENSORED CENSORED SOME MORE CENSORING**!!! Havoc and I are not together nor do we **CENSORED**!!!!! You screwed up weirdoes better run and hide before I shove my guns up your assess!!!! MWHAHHAHAHA!!!" Riza laughed, mirthlessly.

"Right…so…are you going to be okay?"

"Oh. Sorry I got carried away, I just really really hate Royed and Havocai. I mean what idiot came up with that?" Riza said.

"I have no idea. So tell us about that damned movie. What was your part and did you like it?"

"First off, I was in there for like 5 minutes, and secondly, of course I didn't like the movie!!! It was depressing, with Ed in some foreign world with no hope of return, and Roy lost in Emoland. God, no one in their right mind would like it!" Riza said in disgust. The people, who obviously weren't right in their mind, and liked the movie, started booing her. Riza stood up and took out her guns,

"Okay! Well, thanks for that wonderful chat. Stick around and we'll be right back!" Sandy said hurriedly.

"Get over it bitches!! **CENSORED CENSORED A LITTLE MORE CENSORED** you guys!!" Riza yelled, and it was soon cut to commercial.

One of those ones, where it says how fat you are and how you can lose weight, when you and I both know that you can't.

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**Ha ha. Riza's crazy. I'm not actully that stupid in real life. Sorry about the insults… I didn't say it, Riza did! I hope none of you guys got offended. It was joking purposes only. Next person to be interviewed on this messed up show? Stay tuned!! Review as always!!!**


	2. Roy

**A/N: Thanks to Mangarific, AliasAurora, and DaRkNeSs4OcHi for reviewing!! I'll give you guys…imaginary-over-the-internet money!! It's worth an entire 0dollars! Ha-ha, anyways here is the second chapter. **

"Alrighty, welcome back. Now if you're just joining us, we have the Fullmetal Alchemist cast with us tonight, isn't that something? We just had a chance to talk with Riza Hawkeye, who was kindly escorted off by security…Please welcome our next guest, the most amazingly, sexy, flame shooting, did I mention awesome person? Colonel Roy Mustang!!" Sandy announced, trying desperately not to attack him. She was what you called a fan girl, and extreme at that.

Roy Mustang smirked as he saw fan girls screaming his name, and waving various banners that mainly said, 'Marry me'. How wonderful he was finally being recognized for his greatness. It took a whole ten minutes for the audience, and Sandy, to calm down.

"Well well, Mr. Mustang. You don't know how thrilled I am for you to be here. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. How are you?" Sandy asked, fidgeting uncomfortably.

"I'm doing fine, may I say how great it is to be here." Roy replied smiling at her. It was obvious that this lady was one of the crazy, scary, and creepy fan girls. I mean one look at those eyes and it made you want to run away and hide under a rock. However he couldn't do that so he just smirked again and Sandy's over-active imagination (that enabled her to talk to inanimate objects) took over.

"Omigosh! Are you possibly smiling your perfect smiles at me, gazing into my eyes, about to declare your love for me???" Sandy said, her eyes replaced with really big, annoying hearts.

"Uh…no…why do you ask?" Roy replied nervously.

"No reason!! So. You're what, 29, 30?" Sandy asked.

"NO! I'm not that old!! I'm only…29. But not thirty, do I look old to you?" he griped, looking annoyed at being (what he thought) called old.

"Sorry! So you were born in," Sandy looked down at a black book that somehow appeared out of nowhere, "1885! Wow, sorry but you are old! Very, very, very old. In fact, you shouldn't even alive! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you are, but tell me your secret. Old farts everywhere will want to know." She questioned.

"Um…I can't tell you the details, but let's just say…alchemy! Yes. That's it." Roy said mysteriously, which really wasn't that mysterious, so we don't know why the author said mysterious. Just deal with it! He couldn't reveal the secret to all lovable (and in his case, hot) characters life spans.

"Fine! Be that way. So tell me, do you like chocolate or vanilla? Apples or oranges? Pens or flying squirrels? Gorillas or rulers? Toilet paper or regular paper? Refrigerators or muffins?" let just say she went on and on and on.

"Um, I think the real question is why are you asking such personal questions when you should be asking actual questions that actually pertain to why I am here, not questioning random things only weirdoes care about." Roy stated, and everyone in the audience became confused.

"Oh…right. Uh…ok. Tell us about Conqueror of Shamballa."

"Well I play an emo pirate who if I was so depressed, should have just shot myself and save everyone the trouble of worrying. I come in twice, once in the middle where you see me all depressed and I'm apparently so emotionally and mentally scarred, I have to use matches like regular people. It sucks. And second, in the end when I'm all totally awesome, jumping around, blasting and snapping everything away with my cool fire glove thingys, to defeat those monsters. Which, may I just say, wouldn't of happened, had Fullmetal not of brought them to Amestris. So thanks Fullmetal, thanks a lot." Roy said, glaring off at the side, where Ed was fuming quietly, for once.

Sandy was too busy ogling at Roy to hear this, but quickly snapped out of her stupidity, I mean stupor. "That's great. Did you know you're hot? Anyways we heard Riza say it, now it's your turn. Do you love her?" she asked, crossing her fingers for a no. Because she thought she might have a chance with him, even though she so obviously didn't.

"No, I love Ed. Of course I love Riza! Very much so." Roy replied.

"Damn, so now that it's clear that you love her, even though it's been obvious all along, tell us your thoughts on Royed." Sandy asked.

"All you people out there that like it, let me say this. Fullmetal is just the shrimpy little, annoying kid to me. Not my secret lover, boyfriend, husband, fuck-buddy, or what ever else there is. Frankly I am insulted that you would think that I would take advantage of him." Roy (calmly, might I add Riza), said.

"Thank god you didn't go all Arnold Schwarzenegger on us like Riza. Though you don't specialize in guns…hmm. Okay, then you would have acted like Prince Zuko on his man-period and turned us all into piles of ash. Aww, we ran out of time. Thanks for that lovely chat and one more thing, MARRY ME!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!" Sandy screamed, uttering a war cry and then tackling Roy.

"Help! Get this lady off of me!! AGHHH!! Stop it!! PLEASE!!" Roy yelled, trying to pry her off, but other fan girls ran over and helped Sandy overtake him. Riza, along with her new friends, the Security Guards, went to stop them, but before you could see Riza totally beat the crap out of everyone attacking Roy, it cut to commercial. What a shame…

**Just for the record, I would probably actually do that to Roy if I ever met him in real life. LOL. The rest of the military people will be next and then Ed, Al, Winry, and the Homunculus. Review, or I will attack you like Sandy attacked Roy!!**


	3. Yo Momma, bawling and Roy naked?

**Thanks to Mangarific, Alias Aurora, Nahmae, and ssadropout, for reviewing. Especially Mangarific and Alias Aurora, who reviewed this and last chapter! You guys are the best! Okay, so I didn't include that many people for this chapter, which I said was going to be the military peeps, because…well I just didn't. Yeah this is quite OOC, so you've been warned. Oh, did I mention, SCREWED UP!**

**YO MOMMA JOKES COURTESLY PROVIDED BY _Butterflier00 _on Deviantart**** Thanks!!**

"Greetings and welcome back to the extremely late show that blah blah and blahed. Really, we need to shorten that title people. I er…apologize to Roy and any members of the audience that got injured because of my little episode." Sandy said, blushing.

"LITTLE EPISODE!! YOU TRIED TO RIP MY PANTS OFF!!" Roy shouted from backstage.

"Eh, right. Oh well, gotta put things behind us right? Anyways, Riza made sure I wouldn't do it again…" she muttered. Viewers (that means you readers!) were shocked at her appearance, her hair was everywhere, she had a black eye, a swollen lip and she kept wincing. Though, it had been Riza so…it was to be expected. "Please welcome our next guests, photo-obsessed Maes Hughes, smoker Jean Havoc, and possible exhibitionist Alex Louis Armstrong!" She introduced.

The three men walked on stage, well Havoc and Maes did. Armstrong did some sort of leapy thing and ripped off his shirt.

"Armstrong, rule number one, you cannot rip off your shirt, two, no boring family crap. That goes for you too Maes." Sandy said sternly. The two men looked like they were about to cry, while Havoc just sat there looking bored. "So then, onto the questions. How do you guys feel about your roles in helping Roy?"

"Well he's my best friend, so I promised him I'd help him so I don't feel any regret. Except I was a little miffed when I died…THREE TIMES!" Maes cried.

"Three times? Only once…oh...manga, anime, second anime… Yeah, I'm sorry about that. How about you Havoc?" Sandy asked.

"Well at first I had no problem with it, I mean I helped all I could. And then I lost my legs because of that **CENSORED **and I lost all the girls I had!! I hate that man!!" Havoc then started crying, overwhelmed by his hatred of Roy.

"I'm sorry? I didn't realize that you hated him…Armstrong?" Sandy inquired.

"Well I on the other hand don't mind at all. My fabulous muscles and I were happy to help him! Just because staging coups wasn't a skill past down in the Armstrong family for generations, doesn't mean that I couldn't do it!"

"ARMSTONG! What did I say?" Sandy yelled.

"What? I didn't say anything about my family!"

"Well, you know, you did make a slight reference." Maes pointed out.

"He's right, Armstrong, let it go." Havoc said, siding with the crazy man, and even crazier host.

"Oh, you're telling me to let it go???" Armstrong scoffed, pounding his hands together threatingly.

"Um…guys?" Sandy asked.

"Yeah, maybe I am!" Havoc shot back.

"Well Mr. I'm such baby I cry all the time about Roy Mustang, maybe I could say the same thing to you!" Armstrong roared. He was quite touchy about his family, and if anyone insulted them, he would use his amazing artistic alchemy to pound them into the ground.

"Hey guys! The show?" Sandy said again. All three ignored her; Maes started taking pictures- "Hey where did you get that camera! I thought the guards confiscated all photography crap when you got here!" Armstrong and Havoc were…having a yo-momma fight? All of a sudden, gangsta music came on, and Havoc and Armstrong were in Gangsta clothing.

"Yo momma is so fat Ed Elric could have used her as equivalent exchange to bring his mom back with no harm to himself or Al!" Havoc said, and the crowd went "OH!"

"Yo momma is so fat; she ate Gluttony, and became the new one!" Armstrong replied.

"Burn!" Sandy said.

"Well, the military didn't use the Philosopher's stone to destroy Ishbal…they just dropped yo momma on it!"

"Yo momma is so fat, even Scar and Kimblee combined, wouldn't be able to blow her apart!" Armstrong responded.

"Yo momma is so fat, that they didn't destroy the gate…they just shoved her ass in the opening!" Havoc grinned. The crowd started shouting his name and cheering.

"Take that you over-muscled freak!" Sandy cried, and Armstrong looked at her and,

"HOW DARE YOU!! These muscles have been passed down the Armstrong generation for years and years!!" He sobbed.

"I thought it was Armstrong family, and passed down for generations and generations…" Maes asked. Armstrong started crying- no bawling even harder, and everyone, including the author got so annoyed that she just deleted him out of the story.

"Hey, where did he go?" Havoc said, "I've got another one. Yo momma is so short, she makes Ed look like a giant."

"JACKASS!" Ed shouted.

"Ha ha! Good one Havoc!!" Roy yelled, laughing. A loud thumping noise was heard, followed by Roy saying, "OW! Dammit Fullmetal! I hereby…I HEREBY EXPELL YOU FROM MY POTIONS CLASS!"

Everyone stopped and looked at the direction in which Roy's voice came from.

"Uh, Roy you don't teach Potions. Otherwise I would know, and have written it down. That's Snape." Sandy pointed out.

"OH MY GOD!! Roy! You have to teach me how to make my pictures move with your potions!! TEACH ME!!!" Maes shouted, running towards Roy.

"Um…"Havoc said, looking nervous to be alone with a deranged Roy fan girl.

"Well…I guess there is only one thing left to do, since Armstrong went missing and Maes is trying to get Roy to teach him Potions… I am going to make you like Roy! Come here!" Sandy said, grinning evilly. Everything went black, and then you heard,

"NO! I DON'T WANT A PICTURE OF ROY NAKED! AGGHH!! MY EYES!!!" Havoc screamed.

"Look at it! LOOK AT IT!! Doesn't it make you like Roy???" Sandy yelled, in that creepy deranged voice.

"You have a picture of me naked! WHAT??? Riza, give me my gloves, this is worse than that time Maes had that picture of me trying to shove my-"

And cut to commercial!

**I'm sorry, my crack side of me got the final say in editing this. Review as always, and I'll get you a picture of your favorite character...doing WHATEVER you want...hee hee.**


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